A lot on my mind

I don't know what it is about this time of year. Maybe it's the Thanksgiving season where people are supposed to be thankful for everything that they have been given or have had opportunity to give. Maybe it's the commercialism of Chrismas or Thanksgiving. I don't really know what it is but it gets me depressed. Maybe it's because I feel like I haven't been given my share of something good. I feel like all I have been dealt with is crap. And it's been that way for the past 2 years. I don't know why. I have been trying to figure out what good has come out of this year and the only thing that I can think of is that we aren't in Tulsa anymore. This year was supposed to be awesome! The trust was going to go through. We should have had plenty of money to make it through the year. We should be in our new home and have new cars and be working on an adoption. I don't know why this year hasn't been all that fantastic. I have had to struggle with my Bishop in Tulsa. I have had to struggle to figure out how to take care of Tony and I. I hate the feeling of failure but that's what I feel like I am. Nothing but a failure. We are still living in my Grandma's basement trying to figure out how we are going to make Christmas happen. We were lied to and promised so many things that feel like they are never going to happen. I'm tired of having to be the breadwinner in this family. I knew it was probably going to be like this when I married Tony and I love him more than anything on this earth I just wish something good will happen soon. I just want some happiness for once.

I don't know why I feel like my world is crashing down on me but that's pretty much what it feels like. I guess you could say that I'm throwing myself my own little pity party. I know i shouldn't complain because there has been a few good things that have happened but not very many....that's for sure. My family thinks that I'm mooching off my grandma...which I'm not. It's not my fault that my mom lives with her. I know she would be thrilled to live in the Lake house and not have to worry constantly over grandma. I mean, come on, think about it. Grandma has locked herself out of the house twice this week, stolen a butter dish...not intentionally I'm sure, and got lost in WalMart...that was so much fun...NOT!! So not only does someone have to be with her every minute of every day, we don't get to have much of a life. My mom is constantly concerned with the things that Grandma does....don't get me wrong, she loves her mother very much and doesn't mind taking the responsibility, it's just that it's hard. It's interesting when her brothers and sisters come to visit, they are constantly telling her things that she needs to do with grandma, or they have suggestions for how mom needs to handle things...well, you know what, they can't even handle her for a week let alone 6 years. Yep....my mom has been taking care of her for that long.

I know I shouldn't be complaining but it just seems that life has handed me a bowl of lemons and I just can't figure out how to make lemonade....isn't that such a stupid saying...whatever! Okay, well, it's like 215 and I really should go to bed...not that I can sleep! But I should give it a shot! Goodnight!